Today marks the three month anniversary of my mom’s death. I know without a doubt that she would not want me thinking these things and for the most part, I do not think of them all the time but I wanted to “get them out” and express what goes through my mind. I think they are questions that come up naturally and part of the grieving process.
THE WHAT IFS…
What if you had stayed home that day? You woke up late and said you were fine and just wanted to go in late. Were you really feeling sick?
What if I had been there with you at dialysis?
What if we didn’t take the meds and ventilator off?
What if we gave you more time to come back to us?
What if the neurologist was wrong?
What if we had paid more attention to your heart and not just your lungs and kidneys?
What if the two times we had you in the Emergency Room prior to your death they would have done a complete heart work-up?
What if we would have explored a kidney transplant? Would you have survived that?
QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
Mom, were you in any pain?
Did you try to get someone’s attention after you asked for the oxygen? Did they ignore you for too long? Did they hurt you when they put you on the floor and did CPR? You were so frail. Did they do what they should have done while waiting for the paramedics? Did this happen to you because of the dialysis or because of the Lyme/Scleroderma?
Did your brain really “die” that Friday?
Could you hear and see us all around you? Did you know anything at all? Could you smell the gardenia?
Were you scared?
When they shocked you all those times, did you feel anything? Did you suffer?
Did you try to communicate to me with your eyes? I could swear you did. I felt it. Were you telling me you loved me and that you needed me to help you?
Did you know you were going to die? Did Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and the Angels come and take your soul to paradise like we prayed?
Did we do the right thing? Was there a chance you might have come back to us? Should we have taken the ventilator off but kept the medicine on you to keep you from going into cardiac arrest?
I have so many questions about that day and that weekend from hell. I will never know the answers unless you or our Lord chooses to reveal them to me this side of heaven. And that is what keeps me up at night. So many unanswered questions.
- May Angels lead you into paradise;
- may the Martyrs receive you at your coming
- and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem.
- May a choir of Angels receive you,
- and with Lazarus, who once was poor, may you have eternal rest.