Firsts…

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I feel like I have so much to say and I don’t know why I just can’t write it all out. It seems so exhausting to write and think anymore.  I have been struggling with a brain that won’t shut off and hands that can’t figure out how to type in a way that seems readable and that makes any sense.  Maybe it’s because my thoughts and feelings are so personal, painful  and sacred that I can’t bear to actually type them out or say them out loud. But I am going to try. I have so much to say about my mom and maybe I feel like people are tired of reading about her and about my grief. I can’t seem to come up with anything else worth writing about anyhow. No other topic or subject means much or seems important to me anymore. It’s all about my mom every second. Losing her, missing her, wondering what if, and remembering her. My thoughts are of her all the time.

I do not think that this is abnormal for this early in the mourning game. And with all the dreaded “firsts” coming along one right after the other, so strong and so furious, I believe it’s typical of how a daughter who has lost her mom should be feeling.  Especially a daughter who spent practically every hour of every day caring for her (most of the time) sick mom. So, I am not going to beat myself up or apologize about anything. Nor am I going to say that I’m OK. Because I am not.  I have never felt this kind of pain before.  But, also, just so you know, I am not in a serious depression – I can still work, laugh, eat and sleep.  I still cry every single day and have crazy “what if” thoughts and flashbacks.  It is what it is. I will lean into my pain and try to get the emotions and the memories out and documented. I know it will help me in the long run and maybe someone else out there can relate. I pray my experience will help another child out there who is struggling with losing their mom. I know everyone grieves differently and I think men grieve way differently than women.

“Firsts” without mom – they’ve come,  they’ve gone and we have all gotten through them:

September 29, 1 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 2, my parent’s 46th Anniversary.

October 3, my Grandpa Saxon’s anniversary of his death.

October 17, the first of many of the masses said for my mom.

October 19, Uncle Paul’s birthday.

October 29, 2 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 30, my 45th birthday.

November 1, My Mom’s Mom’s birthday, Aunt Jane’s birthday and All Saint’s Day.

November 2, All Soul’s Day – Dad and I were chosen to process the remembrance book of our Parish Members’ deceased family and friends into our church for Mass. My mother’s name was sung in the “Litany of the Dead” for our parish.

November 5, would have been mom’s 68th birthday. She died way too young!

November 9, Jackson’s first birthday.

November 11, Eve’s Birthday.

Next on the list…Thanksgiving, 3 months, Advent and Christmas.  Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday.  She absolutely loved the music, our decorations and shopping for gifts. She was the type who loved to be out at the malls with all the crazy people.  If she were here, I’d not complain one little bit taking her shopping!  I’d relish the time I had with her and we’d laugh and have fun…just like Lucy and Ethel!  Next time, I’ll try to write about my crazy “what if’s” and flashbacks…  Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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2 responses »

  1. You are doing great, Michelle, at expressing your feelings, and I really admire your honesty and your love for your mom. You’ll always be in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Your words help me more than you know!! Even 5 years later, the pain can be so fresh. Your writing is so good. I always thought I’d end up writing, because I used to love to write. I journaled most of my life, but I just can’t write anymore. Reading your writings, is so wonderful and therapeutic for me. Keep it up!

    I love and miss you!
    Mary

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