If I only would have known…


We would have taken that walk through the neighborhood – me pushing you in the wheelchair and Jackson on the leash beside us.  You asked me recently and I said I was too tired.  I told you I’d take you later.

We would have gotten that pedicure last weekend.

We would have sat on the porch more often, you loved our porch.  Even if it was stifling hot and we needed to be doused with mosquito repellent.

We would have gone to see more movies – I had plans to take you to see “The Help” this past weekend.

We would have talked more about things I needed to know about you – your wishes, your fears and private things you wanted me to know.

I would have made the cabbage and noodles sooner.

We would have gotten you that bowl of hot and sour soup you were craving sooner.

I would have told you that an absolute privilege it was being your daughter.

I would have held your hand and hugged you more.

I would have made dad get your wedding ring fixed so that you could get it over your knuckles.

We would have gotten your ears re-pierced.

I would have forced you to go to your 50th high school reunion.

I would have been more understanding.

I would have been less selfish.

I would not have gotten frustrated with you.  IT was not YOUR FAULT.

I would have worked with you more on your computer skills.

We would have said more novenas together.  I loved when we did that.

We would have gone to Ohio.  It saddened you that you couldn’t see your brother and sister more often.  And you wanted to visit Grandma and Grandpa’s grave again.

I would have scratched your back more often.  I know how you itched.

I would have made sure we didn’t have that fight we had a couple of weeks ago.  I’m really regretting it.  I am such a bitch.  I did not mean to make you cry.  I am so glad we’re so quick to make up but it never should have happened.

I would have read to you.  I know how it was hard for you to read.  Your eyes were so dry and you were just about to get that cataract out.  I wanted you to love reading as I did.

You know how uneasy I am at the hospital.  I wasn’t in the room with you very long at first but I got the guts up and I was there…I know when you were dying you knew I was there, you eyeball locked me and whenever I spoke to you, you looked at me and your breathing pattern changed.  You focused on me and I know you saw me there with you.  I could tell you wanted to tell me something.  Mom, I know you loved me. I am so glad I got to say the things I needed to say to you.  I’m so glad that our mother/daughter connection was still there and strong despite what the neurologist said.  I hope I made your last agony comfortable and serene.  We were all there with you.  We prayed over you, you had your last rites.  You had your scapular on…I know you are in heaven.

Mom, you are going to have to help me.  I am not sure how I’m going to do this without you.  I tried so hard to get you better.  I am so sorry.  You meant the world to me.  You were such a fighter and I want you to know how very proud I am of you.  Please watch over us.  Lucy and Ethel forever.  Rest my beautiful angel mommy.  You were a true Saint.


6 responses »

  1. MICHELLE…..my heart goes out to you ! i lost my mum a little over a year ago and i understand your pain and emptiness. Just know that your mum was a beautiful lady and loved you ….she is dancing on the clouds watching over you. Cherish the memories until you see each other once again ! ❤

  2. Beautiful Michelle. your mom was a special person and she did an amazing job on you 3 kids she raised all of you to be kind,caring and loving(dad had a little to do with it also)Your relationship with her was amazing its alot like mine and my mom best of friends. you knew you could tell her anything she would never judge you or your brothers in anything you have done she was a very proud mother . You have nothing to be sorry for god bless you for taking such good care of her. She is watching over you and will forever protect you. i am so blessed to have known such a beautiful special person R.I.P Kathy
    love Tammy Klein-Heiller

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