As we approach Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for my life, my family and my friends! I am thankful for a job that I can work out of my home. I am thankful for the health of my mom and my dad. I am thankful for my brothers and my sister in law. I am thankful for my whole family, my dog, my bird and even my trials and tribulations. Yes, I said even my trials and tribulations. They have made me who I am today. I may not act like it all the time, but I am truly thankful! Recently, I have been struggling. Struggling with the call God has placed on my life. Struggling with dreams that were never realized. Struggling with God himself and struggling with me and my selfish wants, desires and my crappy attitude. I believe a lot of us struggle with this. It is not just me. Hopefully what I’m about to share might help someone else out there who might be struggling.
Even though it is not my choice, I am called to be single. I am called not to have children of my own. I am called to be a care giver for my mother. I’m not going to lie. It is hard sometimes. I get very pissed at God. Recently my reality hit me like a ton of bricks, “Oh my God, this is it…this is my flippin’ life!” I must confess that I panicked for a few minutes. I got really sad and scared. While this is not a new realization or revelation to me, I live this life every single day; it just hit me in an all new and powerful way. For some reason on this particular day, it put me into a tailspin. Was it the fact that I just turned 40 + something?
I had to settle myself, think about it for a while, pray about it and lean into my reality. Then, I realized that it is truly a blessing. I believe that I will always struggle with what wasn’t. That life I dreamed of that never came to pass. I think that’s human nature. But when all is said and done, I really feel honored to be chosen to help my mom. I know that if I were married and had children, I would not have been given this privilege. It’s like a pay back to her for all she’s done to raise me. God’s providence in the life of my mom worked this out in both of our lives even before I was born. This is not a surprise to him. He knew all of this. Our steps are ordered. And I need to walk in thankfulness.
I pray that my life is pleasing in God’s eyes. I want to be a good and faithful servant and do what God has called me to do. I want to embrace my vocation happily. It is such a daily struggle but, if I count my blessings on a daily basis, not only at Thanksgiving, it miraculously turns my pity around and makes my life a prayer that I offer back to Jesus. And besides, this is not my eternity. And for that, I thank you Lord!