1 year

“When she shall die,
Take her and cut her out in little stars,
And she will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”  Shakespeare

“Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down and let us know they are happy.”  Eskimo Proverb

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)  – - e.e.cummings

“There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and of unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving

“There are no goodbyes for us.  Wherever you are, you will always be in our hearts.” ~Mahatma Ghandi

I love and miss you mommy!!

Gratitude And Grace

Have you ever have one of those days where you feel like you just might bust?  I have been having several recently.  That feeling of extreme gratitude and happiness?  Where you can’t stop grinning and your adrenaline is making your heart leap with joy?  Its been such a long, long time since I’ve had that amazing feeling.  Long time.  I have felt like I was just existing, getting by and sorta zombie-ish for almost a year now.  Losing a parent can do that to you.  Losing anyone you love can throw you into a pit that you don’t feel you’ll ever escape from.  But, looking back, I can say it has been an journey that has been COVERED in God’s love and GRACE.

People have been asking me, “Have you always been an artist?”  (ha ha…artist.  Really?  LOL)  “How long have you been doing this?”  Well the answers are NO, absolutely not! And…only 2 months.  I have always been extremely jealous of anyone crafty and artsy.  My brothers can draw really well, my uncle Dale is an artist, my uncle Paul is an excellent photographer, my Gram is one of the most creative and crafty people I know.  My Aunt Mary Ann is crafty and does excellent needle work.  As a matter of fact, I think all the males on the Saxon side have the artsy gift. I did not get those genes.  I have tried to draw.  I even took a class in High School. I think it was “Drawing on the Right side of the brain” or was it LEFT side?  Anyhow…I sucked.  Bad.  I have always considered myself as a person with a “good eye” for things.  (decorating, buying clothes)  I read, I can write a bit and I can cook.  Oh and I can put on makeup well!  LOL!  But other than those things, that’s about it.  I don’t knit, crochet, draw, paint, make things out of nothing.  I just don’t have the gift. As a matter of fact, I didn’t have the patience for any of it.

BUT what I do have is the ability to learn.  To research.  To dream and to listen to what I’m supposed to do.  This journey began quite honestly on Pinterest.  I saw a pin of a “SMASH*book.”  I really loved the idea of not having to be precise, neat and artistic to do a SMASH*book.  So, like all things, once I decided to try it, I went full force, diving into the world of SMASHING.  I loved it!  I started a remembrance book for my mom.  It was healing.  I started a book for myself, I started collecting postcards for another book.  I decided to join a facebook group called “SMASH*aholics.”  I learned so much!  Then one day, a girl posted that video of an artist named Gabby teaching how to create a “She Art” canvas.  I watched.  I said OMG!  I can do this.  See my blog about it here!  And the rest is history.

While I don’t really consider myself an “artist” (that sounds so strange and a title that is hard for me to accept. Also it is a tad bit presumptuous.) I am really having some wonderful things happen in that world.  My work is consigned in our church’s bookstore and people have really given great response and support!  I also have at least 10 commissioned pieces to create and I am on the verge of having some wonderful support and promotion by someone who’s pretty “big” in the Catholic World.  Once it is a “done deal” I will fill you in!!

My friend Cheri recently “reinvented” herself.  She went to school and now has a totally and completely new career that she worked hard for.  I was jealous of her.  I wanted to re-invent myself too.  Not that I’m unhappy with my career.  I am not.  I love what I do.  I just wanted to do something at 45 that was totally out of character for me, something that I have always wanted to do.  This is it!

Some may think I’m being overly spiritual.  But you know me.   I could care less.  I know my mom has made this happen for me up in heaven.  I know she is my intercessor and has really looked out for me – God has made me a new person.  The Holy Spirit is definitely involved and so is my Mother Mary and my Saints!  Its too surreal to be anything less.

Remember my giveaway happening now.  (previous post)  Join in if you haven’t already!  Someone’s gotta win!  Why not you?

With Gratitude and Grace,

Michelle

They say that out of pain and heartache come growth and grace. I am living proof of that. I lost my precious mother on August 29, 2011. Out of that tremendous loss I have found an unmatched amount of grace and a brand new artistic me. 

 

The name “TeaBags And Gardenias” is in tribute to my precious mother Kathleen Saxon.  

 

My mom loved hot tea. She took sugar and milk. She also would say “tough teabags!” instead of a curse word! The gardenia is a special flower to us. We loved the smell and the perfection of it. I took a gardenia from one of our bushes to the hospital to try and “smell” her back to us. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

 

“She missed her mother. She mourned her mother with every fiber of her being. She took the pain and turned it into beauty. She tapped into a new love to dull that pain. She paints from her heart in tribute to her mom. She knows her mother guides her hands.  Her mom would be so very proud.”

The SMASH*aholics PINK Challenge

More pages from Mom’s SMASH* Book.  Nurses school graduation in 1962 and more recent shots from her career as a nurse.  The challenge was just simply USE PINK.  My mom was such a beauty.  She was an awesome nurse and loved her career.  Even when she was retired and went to dialysis 3 x a week, she pretended to be at “work.”  She would say, “Today at work…”  Subconscious slip.  She really meant, “today at dialysis.”  The nurses at the dialysis center knew my mom was special.  They let her into their world, shared things with her and treated her like she was on staff.  They were so wonderful to her!  And my mom never lost her “nursing heart.”  She smiled at everyone, asked how they were and watched over the place many times alerting the nurses that “so and so” needed something, or “so and so” wasn’t feeling good.  Once its in your blood, I guess it never goes away.  She wanted to be the NURSE.  NOT the one being nursed.

I think my most favorite part of this spread is the card I found from Joey.  I love that I could “disassemble” it and preserve it forever instead of it just sitting in a box somewhere.  The huge pink rose is the cover of that special Mother’s day card he gave her.  And the signature says it all.  She was an amazing mother to us.  Miss her so much!

Still SMASH*ing away on Mom’s book!

I think its really coming along nicely!  It has been very therapeutic and heart wrenching at the same time.  I couldn’t stand the thought of all these incredible memories sitting in boxes.  I have TONS of things to use and preserve.  The ideas keep popping up at the strangest times! I have also picked up counted cross stitching.  Where all this sudden crafty creativity is coming from these days…I do not know.  But, I am loving it.  My problem is I need to finish the first project before I buy others!  LOL!  Have a SMASHING Day!

SMASH* Booking

I found the products called SMASH* on Pinterest.  I fell in love with the concept.  Its not about perfection or being artsy (which I am not) its about “SMASHING” stuff into a journal type book and using their clever accessories to create a beautiful “messy” scrapbook.  I decided that it would be perfect for me.  Here is a little video on the product and concept.

My first book is devoted to my mother.  It’s been such fun and therapy for me to start this project!  My mom saved EVERYTHING.  She has over 67 years of every card we’ve ever given to her, momentos, documents, licenses, certificates, newspaper clippings, pictures and drawings tucked away.  Its a SMASHING Gold Mine!  Here’s what I’ve done so far:

The Belt of Orion

I considered not writing anything at all today. It takes a lot out of me. It is terribly painful to be transparent and real with you. This type of entry takes me days to write. I can’t do it all at once, I get too emotional. It’s something I have to do little by little, a few words here and there. Walk away, regroup, get it together, come back, write some more. It takes a toll. Re-reading, editing, deleting, pondering, adding and crying. Frankly it would have been much easier to remember this 6 month anniversary in complete silence. When it comes right down to it though, I can’t do that. It would be very uncharacteristic of me to let it pass without somehow marking the day by writing something…anything. And I really don’t have a choice in the matter anyhow. My thoughts begin writing themselves without my permission in my mind and if I don’t put the words down, I feel like my brain will explode.

Will this be something profound and meaningful? Probably not. Something inspirational and eloquent? No…not likely. Something from a heart that is still broken, raw and empty? Most definitely. Something from 6 months worth of mourning, change, adjustments and grief? Yes. Something from a daughter who misses her mom and would give anything and everything to have her back? Absolutely.

It took 4 months not to feel like a zombie. 4 and a half months to not sob every day. It took 5 months to start to feel like myself again. 5 months to feel like I wasn’t stuck in a bad dream. 5 months for the brain fog to finally lift. 5 and a half months to really feel like it was going to be OK again. 5 and a half months to get my appetite back and not to feel guilty about feeling good or having fun. I honestly felt like I was supposed to be sad or I’d be betraying or forgetting my mother. But, she would not have wanted that. My mom did not do that when my Grandma died. So I can’t do that either.

Now at 6 months, I can have two or three good days in a row. Then…BAM! Something out of the blue throws me over the edge…

Looking up at the sky and seeing our mom’s “3 stars.” You know the 3 stars that are in a perfectly straight line going up and down? Orion’s Belt. She always said that those stars were her stars because they represented her kids.  She’d look up at them all the time.

Finding a gorgeous picture of her on Valentine’s Day that had a Calla Lilly in it from before she got sick. She was healthy, radiant and happy. She had an amazing smile. Her skin was lily white and she had some weight on her. It was her gift of love to me on Valentine’s.

Receiving a text from my Aunt Leigh that said “Rachel just came in to talk to me and I noticed something on the inside of her wrist. I asked what it was and she showed me a heart with AK inside. I asked what that was. And she said it was for Aunt Kathy. She felt her with her today and wants her to be with her tomorrow. Totally started crying. ” Rachel had just competed in day 1 of the Georgia State Swimming Championships. There was an elephant in the Georgia Tech Aquatic Center that day. It was my missing mom.

Reading Facebook status updates by my dad or my brothers that are about my mom. They just completely wreck me.

Losing the Brown Scapular that was on her pillow right beside her head when she died. I wear it every day tucked in my bra. I panicked, I sobbed, I prayed, I pleaded and I found it because she whispered in my ear to look “here.” More sobbing from relief and joy.  I simply could not bear to lose that.

Having to move from the home we shared – our dream house, our porch, our beautiful neighborhood. It was like her dying all over again. Leaving that house without her was a very bad day.

Creating a “tribute” wall to her in the new house. The ideas would come to me and I would just cry and cry setting it up. It turned out beautiful. Grandma’s shelf, Grandma’s mahogany table, her tea cup, the cross stitch pictures that Aunt Mary Ann gave her, her Lladro Nurse holding the baby, our family picture, a candle…a rosary.

I often wonder what she’d think of the new house, would she like it? Would she be proud of me? I hear her voice telling me what to do, how to decorate, how to set things up. She had a good eye. I recently had her wedding portrait matted and framed.  It is a thing of beauty.

I get my sentimentality from her. Everything in this house means something. Everything stands for something. Everything is a memory. Everything reminds me of her. I keep those memories very close. They make me sad and then they ultimately comfort me after these long (or short) 6 months. Miss and love you more than you can imagine mom! Time is healing but time will never erase you from every fiber of my being.

Signs

I am not afraid to say that I really believe God speaks to us through signs and through other people.  The key is you have to be spiritually aware, always listening and have a keen ear and the faith to understand it’s from HIM.

There have been many signs that have told me my mom is OK.  Tons of gardenias – more than I’ve ever seen blooming when they should be pretty much done, her roses still in bloom, certain smells that I’m smelling when I shouldn’t be, sounds I hear when I shouldn’t be.  One of three Christmas Cacti having only ONE bloom on it.  One amazing bloom when they have hardly EVER bloomed.  My mom loved to see the deer in our neighborhood.  She was amazed by their beauty and she’d always get up from her chair and scurry to see them when I told her they were out.  This year I have NEVER seen so many deer in our yard and in the grave yard across from us.  The other morning before Mass there were 6 of them in the cemetary at 8 am.  This was on Thursday morning before we left for Mass – The Immaculate Conception and mass for my mom.  Then last night one with antlers was just staring at me – he was in the street just as calm as could be looking at me.  You get the picture.

On October 31 – All Hallow’s Eve, I was at the cemetary.  I was sitting there for a while – really struggling, talking to mom and just spending time with her.  October 30 was my birthday and it was a horribly tough day.  Mom’s stone had not been put in yet and there were summer flowers in the vase they gave us temporarily.  I hated the fact that the stone wasn’t there – there had been a delay and I was wondering when it would be in.  I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and create a Fall bouquet for her.  I was gone for about 45 minutes.  When I pulled into the cemetary there was a small tractor pulling away from the area where mom is.  I pulled up, got out of my car and her stone had been installed when I was away.  I was beside myself.  I cried and cried and cried.  What are the odds I’d go there, decide to leave for a while and when I returned the stone would be in?  A gift from my mom.

We had a bird for many, many years.  His name was Charlie.  Charlie talked and loved to ring his bell.  The Friday after the mass for the Immaculate Conception, I had Jackson outside at around 7 am.  I brought him back in the house and hung my coat up.  I heard Charlie’s bell as plain as day.  However, what you do not know is that we gave Charlie away a week prior.  His cage, his stuff and his bell were outside awaiting the garbage man.  There was no bell in this house to be rung.  There was no Charlie in this house to ring his bell.  My mom’s favorite movie was “Its a Wonderful Life.”  It is just like her to ring that bell for me as a sign.  She knew I’d “get it.”  Needless to say I was pretty amazed and very weepy.  An angel got her wings.  I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Then Saturday morning I was on Facebook.  I never use the chat feature.  I always keep it off but for some reason it always gets turned back on.  My Uncle Les’s daughter Alicia chatted “Call me when you get a chance, I have something to tell you about your mom.”  I called.  She began to tell me that her son (3 yrs. old) A.J. was having lunch with my Uncle Friday afternoon.  He looked at his grandpa and said “Poppa, your sister is in Heaven!”  Keep in mind, A.J. is only just 3.  He doesn’t know the relationship between my uncle and my mom.  He just out of the blue tells my uncle this.  He had my uncle crying.  Alicia decided to question A.J. about this.  So Saturday morning she asked him, “A.J. how do you know Aunt Kathy is in heaven?”  He replied, “I saw her Momma.  She just made it.”  Out of the mouths of babes.  A.J. knows nothing about our belief in Purgatory.  “She just made it?”  OMG!  And it is just like my mom to come to visit A.J.  She loved that little boy so much.  She never met him but she loved him dearly.  I think she loved him most because of the joy he gave her brother.  Who else to let know that she was in heaven?  A child that is too young to really “get it.”  A child who would not be doubted.  A child who was spiritually open and has that faith that we all should have.  Be like little children.  Jesus loves the little children!  What a blessing!  Merry Christmas everyone!

The Most Important Person On Earth

Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  The belief Catholics have that Mary our Mother, the Mother of God was conceived without Original Sin and remained sinless forever.  Would God have chosen an ordinary person stained with sin and with blemish to be the tabernacle for his Son?  Absolutely not.  So, today we celebrate Her.  Today’s 9 am mass was also offered for my amazing mother.  It was absolutely beautiful.  This picture below is an oldie but goodie.  It’s one of the most favorite pictures that I have and I treasure it.  Even though you can barely see her on the right, there’s our mom just looking down on all of us with love – content having us together and watching her 3 hearts sleep.  She loved us so much and we loved her immeasurably!  We really miss you mom!A month after mom died, I went into our local Catholic Bookstore.  I was very weepy that day and could barely speak.  The owner of the shop is a sweet woman who knew us.  I was suffering and she gave me a holy card.  She put it in the bag with the other things I purchased.  Until recently I could not bring myself to read the card.  It’s so wonderful I wanted to share it with all of you:

The Most Important Person on Earth

THE most important person on earth is a mother.  She can not claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral.  She need not.  She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral – a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body.  “The angels have not been blessed with such a grace.  They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven.  Only a human mother can.  Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creatures.  God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation…”What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this:  to be a mother?” – Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

3 Months

Today marks the three month anniversary of my mom’s death.  I know without a doubt that she would not want me thinking these things and for the most part, I do not think of them all the time but I wanted to “get them out” and express what goes through my mind.  I think they are questions that come up naturally and part of the grieving process.

THE WHAT IFS…

What if you had stayed home that day?  You woke up late and said you were fine and just wanted to go in late.  Were you really feeling sick?

What if I had been there with you at dialysis?

What if we didn’t take the meds and ventilator off?

What if we gave you more time to come back to us?

What if the neurologist was wrong?

What if we had paid more attention to your heart and not just your lungs and kidneys?

What if the two times we had you in the Emergency Room prior to your death they would have done a complete heart work-up?

What if we would have explored a kidney transplant?  Would you have survived that?

QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT

Mom, were you in any pain?

Did you try to get someone’s attention after you asked for the oxygen?  Did they ignore you for too long?  Did they hurt you when they put you on the floor and did CPR?  You were so frail.  Did they do what they should have done while waiting for the paramedics?  Did this happen to you because of the dialysis or because of the Lyme/Scleroderma?

Did your brain really “die” that Friday?

Could you hear and see us all around you?  Did you know anything at all?  Could you smell the gardenia?

Were you scared?

When they shocked you all those times, did you feel anything?  Did you suffer?

Did you try to communicate to me with your eyes?  I could swear you did.  I felt it.  Were you telling me you loved me and that you needed me to help you?

Did you know you were going to die?  Did Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and the Angels come and take your soul to paradise like we prayed?

Did we do the right thing?  Was there a chance you might have come back to us?  Should we have taken the ventilator off but kept the medicine on you to keep you from going into cardiac arrest?

I have so many questions about that day and that weekend from hell.  I will never know the answers unless you or our Lord chooses to reveal them to me this side of heaven.  And that is what keeps me up at night. So many unanswered questions.

May Angels lead you into paradise;

may the Martyrs receive you at your coming

and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem.

May a choir of Angels receive you,

and with Lazarus, who once was poor, may you have eternal rest.

Firsts…

I feel like I have so much to say and I don’t know why I just can’t write it all out. It seems so exhausting to write and think anymore.  I have been struggling with a brain that won’t shut off and hands that can’t figure out how to type in a way that seems readable and that makes any sense.  Maybe it’s because my thoughts and feelings are so personal, painful  and sacred that I can’t bear to actually type them out or say them out loud. But I am going to try. I have so much to say about my mom and maybe I feel like people are tired of reading about her and about my grief. I can’t seem to come up with anything else worth writing about anyhow. No other topic or subject means much or seems important to me anymore. It’s all about my mom every second. Losing her, missing her, wondering what if, and remembering her. My thoughts are of her all the time.

I do not think that this is abnormal for this early in the mourning game. And with all the dreaded “firsts” coming along one right after the other, so strong and so furious, I believe it’s typical of how a daughter who has lost her mom should be feeling.  Especially a daughter who spent practically every hour of every day caring for her (most of the time) sick mom. So, I am not going to beat myself up or apologize about anything. Nor am I going to say that I’m OK. Because I am not.  I have never felt this kind of pain before.  But, also, just so you know, I am not in a serious depression – I can still work, laugh, eat and sleep.  I still cry every single day and have crazy “what if” thoughts and flashbacks.  It is what it is. I will lean into my pain and try to get the emotions and the memories out and documented. I know it will help me in the long run and maybe someone else out there can relate. I pray my experience will help another child out there who is struggling with losing their mom. I know everyone grieves differently and I think men grieve way differently than women.

“Firsts” without mom – they’ve come,  they’ve gone and we have all gotten through them:

September 29, 1 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 2, my parent’s 46th Anniversary.

October 3, my Grandpa Saxon’s anniversary of his death.

October 17, the first of many of the masses said for my mom.

October 19, Uncle Paul’s birthday.

October 29, 2 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 30, my 45th birthday.

November 1, My Mom’s Mom’s birthday, Aunt Jane’s birthday and All Saint’s Day.

November 2, All Soul’s Day – Dad and I were chosen to process the remembrance book of our Parish Members’ deceased family and friends into our church for Mass. My mother’s name was sung in the “Litany of the Dead” for our parish.

November 5, would have been mom’s 68th birthday. She died way too young!

November 9, Jackson’s first birthday.

November 11, Eve’s Birthday.

Next on the list…Thanksgiving, 3 months, Advent and Christmas.  Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday.  She absolutely loved the music, our decorations and shopping for gifts. She was the type who loved to be out at the malls with all the crazy people.  If she were here, I’d not complain one little bit taking her shopping!  I’d relish the time I had with her and we’d laugh and have fun…just like Lucy and Ethel!  Next time, I’ll try to write about my crazy “what if’s” and flashbacks…  Have a happy Thanksgiving!