St. Andrew Novena Starts Today!

I was invited to pray the St. Andrew Christmas Novena this year.  Wanted to invite you to do so also.   The St. Andrew prayer is a special “Christmas Novena” which is prayed every day from November 30th (today on the Feast Day of St. Andrew) until Christmas. Everyone has special intentions and petitions that need prayer and also prayers of thanks for something special that God has already answered. I can’t think of a more beautiful way to spend the Christmas season. It is ok to enjoy the spirit of the season with gifts, decorating and baking…but we must never lose sight of what this time of year is really all about.

The prayer must be said 15 times a day. You can say the prayer all at once; or divide up through the day.

Saint Andrew Christmas Novena
Hail and blessed be the hour and moment in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary, at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold. In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God! to hear my prayer and grant my desires {state your intention(s) here}, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ, and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

God Bless you, and Merry Christmas!

Definition of VOUCHSAFE

transitive verb

1 a : to grant or furnish often in a gracious or condescending manner b : to give by way of reply <refused to vouchsafe an explanation>

2 : to grant as a privilege or special favor

3 Months

Today marks the three month anniversary of my mom’s death.  I know without a doubt that she would not want me thinking these things and for the most part, I do not think of them all the time but I wanted to “get them out” and express what goes through my mind.  I think they are questions that come up naturally and part of the grieving process.

THE WHAT IFS…

What if you had stayed home that day?  You woke up late and said you were fine and just wanted to go in late.  Were you really feeling sick?

What if I had been there with you at dialysis?

What if we didn’t take the meds and ventilator off?

What if we gave you more time to come back to us?

What if the neurologist was wrong?

What if we had paid more attention to your heart and not just your lungs and kidneys?

What if the two times we had you in the Emergency Room prior to your death they would have done a complete heart work-up?

What if we would have explored a kidney transplant?  Would you have survived that?

QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT

Mom, were you in any pain?

Did you try to get someone’s attention after you asked for the oxygen?  Did they ignore you for too long?  Did they hurt you when they put you on the floor and did CPR?  You were so frail.  Did they do what they should have done while waiting for the paramedics?  Did this happen to you because of the dialysis or because of the Lyme/Scleroderma?

Did your brain really “die” that Friday?

Could you hear and see us all around you?  Did you know anything at all?  Could you smell the gardenia?

Were you scared?

When they shocked you all those times, did you feel anything?  Did you suffer?

Did you try to communicate to me with your eyes?  I could swear you did.  I felt it.  Were you telling me you loved me and that you needed me to help you?

Did you know you were going to die?  Did Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and the Angels come and take your soul to paradise like we prayed?

Did we do the right thing?  Was there a chance you might have come back to us?  Should we have taken the ventilator off but kept the medicine on you to keep you from going into cardiac arrest?

I have so many questions about that day and that weekend from hell.  I will never know the answers unless you or our Lord chooses to reveal them to me this side of heaven.  And that is what keeps me up at night. So many unanswered questions.

May Angels lead you into paradise;

may the Martyrs receive you at your coming

and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem.

May a choir of Angels receive you,

and with Lazarus, who once was poor, may you have eternal rest.

Firsts…

I feel like I have so much to say and I don’t know why I just can’t write it all out. It seems so exhausting to write and think anymore.  I have been struggling with a brain that won’t shut off and hands that can’t figure out how to type in a way that seems readable and that makes any sense.  Maybe it’s because my thoughts and feelings are so personal, painful  and sacred that I can’t bear to actually type them out or say them out loud. But I am going to try. I have so much to say about my mom and maybe I feel like people are tired of reading about her and about my grief. I can’t seem to come up with anything else worth writing about anyhow. No other topic or subject means much or seems important to me anymore. It’s all about my mom every second. Losing her, missing her, wondering what if, and remembering her. My thoughts are of her all the time.

I do not think that this is abnormal for this early in the mourning game. And with all the dreaded “firsts” coming along one right after the other, so strong and so furious, I believe it’s typical of how a daughter who has lost her mom should be feeling.  Especially a daughter who spent practically every hour of every day caring for her (most of the time) sick mom. So, I am not going to beat myself up or apologize about anything. Nor am I going to say that I’m OK. Because I am not.  I have never felt this kind of pain before.  But, also, just so you know, I am not in a serious depression – I can still work, laugh, eat and sleep.  I still cry every single day and have crazy “what if” thoughts and flashbacks.  It is what it is. I will lean into my pain and try to get the emotions and the memories out and documented. I know it will help me in the long run and maybe someone else out there can relate. I pray my experience will help another child out there who is struggling with losing their mom. I know everyone grieves differently and I think men grieve way differently than women.

“Firsts” without mom – they’ve come,  they’ve gone and we have all gotten through them:

September 29, 1 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 2, my parent’s 46th Anniversary.

October 3, my Grandpa Saxon’s anniversary of his death.

October 17, the first of many of the masses said for my mom.

October 19, Uncle Paul’s birthday.

October 29, 2 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 30, my 45th birthday.

November 1, My Mom’s Mom’s birthday, Aunt Jane’s birthday and All Saint’s Day.

November 2, All Soul’s Day – Dad and I were chosen to process the remembrance book of our Parish Members’ deceased family and friends into our church for Mass. My mother’s name was sung in the “Litany of the Dead” for our parish.

November 5, would have been mom’s 68th birthday. She died way too young!

November 9, Jackson’s first birthday.

November 11, Eve’s Birthday.

Next on the list…Thanksgiving, 3 months, Advent and Christmas.  Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday.  She absolutely loved the music, our decorations and shopping for gifts. She was the type who loved to be out at the malls with all the crazy people.  If she were here, I’d not complain one little bit taking her shopping!  I’d relish the time I had with her and we’d laugh and have fun…just like Lucy and Ethel!  Next time, I’ll try to write about my crazy “what if’s” and flashbacks…  Have a happy Thanksgiving!