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The Belt of Orion

I considered not writing anything at all today. It takes a lot out of me. It is terribly painful to be transparent and real with you. This type of entry takes me days to write. I can’t do it all at once, I get too emotional. It’s something I have to do little by little, a few words here and there. Walk away, regroup, get it together, come back, write some more. It takes a toll. Re-reading, editing, deleting, pondering, adding and crying. Frankly it would have been much easier to remember this 6 month anniversary in complete silence. When it comes right down to it though, I can’t do that. It would be very uncharacteristic of me to let it pass without somehow marking the day by writing something…anything. And I really don’t have a choice in the matter anyhow. My thoughts begin writing themselves without my permission in my mind and if I don’t put the words down, I feel like my brain will explode.

Will this be something profound and meaningful? Probably not. Something inspirational and eloquent? No…not likely. Something from a heart that is still broken, raw and empty? Most definitely. Something from 6 months worth of mourning, change, adjustments and grief? Yes. Something from a daughter who misses her mom and would give anything and everything to have her back? Absolutely.

It took 4 months not to feel like a zombie. 4 and a half months to not sob every day. It took 5 months to start to feel like myself again. 5 months to feel like I wasn’t stuck in a bad dream. 5 months for the brain fog to finally lift. 5 and a half months to really feel like it was going to be OK again. 5 and a half months to get my appetite back and not to feel guilty about feeling good or having fun. I honestly felt like I was supposed to be sad or I’d be betraying or forgetting my mother. But, she would not have wanted that. My mom did not do that when my Grandma died. So I can’t do that either.

Now at 6 months, I can have two or three good days in a row. Then…BAM! Something out of the blue throws me over the edge…

Looking up at the sky and seeing our mom’s “3 stars.” You know the 3 stars that are in a perfectly straight line going up and down? Orion’s Belt. She always said that those stars were her stars because they represented her kids.  She’d look up at them all the time.

Finding a gorgeous picture of her on Valentine’s Day that had a Calla Lilly in it from before she got sick. She was healthy, radiant and happy. She had an amazing smile. Her skin was lily white and she had some weight on her. It was her gift of love to me on Valentine’s.

Receiving a text from my Aunt Leigh that said “Rachel just came in to talk to me and I noticed something on the inside of her wrist. I asked what it was and she showed me a heart with AK inside. I asked what that was. And she said it was for Aunt Kathy. She felt her with her today and wants her to be with her tomorrow. Totally started crying. ” Rachel had just competed in day 1 of the Georgia State Swimming Championships. There was an elephant in the Georgia Tech Aquatic Center that day. It was my missing mom.

Reading Facebook status updates by my dad or my brothers that are about my mom. They just completely wreck me.

Losing the Brown Scapular that was on her pillow right beside her head when she died. I wear it every day tucked in my bra. I panicked, I sobbed, I prayed, I pleaded and I found it because she whispered in my ear to look “here.” More sobbing from relief and joy.  I simply could not bear to lose that.

Having to move from the home we shared – our dream house, our porch, our beautiful neighborhood. It was like her dying all over again. Leaving that house without her was a very bad day.

Creating a “tribute” wall to her in the new house. The ideas would come to me and I would just cry and cry setting it up. It turned out beautiful. Grandma’s shelf, Grandma’s mahogany table, her tea cup, the cross stitch pictures that Aunt Mary Ann gave her, her Lladro Nurse holding the baby, our family picture, a candle…a rosary.

I often wonder what she’d think of the new house, would she like it? Would she be proud of me? I hear her voice telling me what to do, how to decorate, how to set things up. She had a good eye. I recently had her wedding portrait matted and framed.  It is a thing of beauty.

I get my sentimentality from her. Everything in this house means something. Everything stands for something. Everything is a memory. Everything reminds me of her. I keep those memories very close. They make me sad and then they ultimately comfort me after these long (or short) 6 months. Miss and love you more than you can imagine mom! Time is healing but time will never erase you from every fiber of my being.

Fitness Diary

This is a blog I wrote as a guest blogger for Vapor4Life.

Dear Diary,

I smoked for about 30 years. For almost as long as that, I have wanted to be a runner. I have always had dreams of running, and know that deep down inside me there is a runner. It’s a very strange thing to put into words, but I believe that each of us has this person we were meant to be inside of us. But, our personal circumstances have not allowed that person to come out. I am not afraid to say that I do not consider myself a person who finishes what she starts when it comes to fitness, losing weight, eating right and giving up the stinkies. If it’s uncomfortable, I want nothing to do with it. I let myself off the hook and never hold myself accountable.

When I began vaping in April of 2011, I knew it was my ticket off the analog roller coaster. Fast forward a few months. My amazing and beloved mom passed away in late August. It was a terribly stressful and sad time for me but I did not slip up even once. I realized I had actually “finished what I’d started” for the first time in my life. It was an amazing feeling to know I was done with analogs forever.

On New Year’s Eve just a few weeks ago, I was reviewing my year, looking at my life, reminiscing about what my family had been though with my mom’s passing and out of the blue, I decided I was going to run a 5K. I knew it was my mother whispering in my ear. I just knew I could do it and I wasn’t scared.

I knew that I needed to start slow. I found a program called “Couch to 5K” online. According to the program, in 9 weeks I’ll be running for 30 minutes straight which equals 3 miles. A 5K is 3.1 miles. I am on workout number 3 of week 3 and am doing great! It is not easy…but then again, what in life is?

I have three 5Ks that I’m hoping to run in March. After I do that, I may be hosting my own 5K and 10K run once I see how they are done. I want to set up a non-profit in memory of my mother. The run will be called “Kathy’s Clown” and I hope to have it on Mother’s Day 2013. The proceeds will go to help Scleroderma research and Chronic Lyme research.

Now, you may be wondering, what the heck does all that have to do with vaping? I truly don’t think I’d be doing ANY of this if I were still smoking traditional cigs. I really don’t. So, it’s a thank you to V4L and a challenge to us all to reach deep down inside and do something you’ve always wanted to do!

I’ll keep you updated on my journey! Keep me in your thoughts and prayers!
Blessings,
Michelle

Dear Mom…

…Today is January 17 – a year ago today, Simba died.  I wanted to write you because I know this day was so very hard for you.  It was hard for all of us but, I will never forget you sitting at the table looking at him lying on the floor and us just sobbing.  Wishing you could get on the floor and lay by him an hold him.  I can see it and feel it as if it all happened yesterday.

I have your calendar.  I look at it often.  I love seeing your hand writing.  It was so pretty.  It’s as if you speak to me when I look at what you wrote.  You tracked EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I guess that is where I get it from.  You tracked birthdays, anniversaries, when you had doctor’s appointments, when you had surgeries, when we moved into this house and how long we’ve been here, when we got the granite counter tops, when we got the washer/dryer, when your kidneys failed, when you started dialysis, when you started medicines.  AND…when your baby Simba died.  On that day, you wrote “SIMBA DIED” and there is a big sad face.  It was a terrible day.  Was he waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge?  I just know he was!  He loved you so very much!  I know he’s right by your side following you everywhere and I am very comforted by that.  We love you and miss you so much Mom!  I look at that picture of you lying on the couch and Simba lying right by your side and even though I don’t smile now…maybe one day I will with happy memories.  The votive candle is lit in memory of you both today!

…For just at that instant, their eyes have met; Together again, both person and pet.  So they run to each other, these friends from long past, the time of their parting is over at last.  The sadness they felt while they were apart has turned into joy once more in each heart.  They embrace with a love that will last forever, and then, side-by-side, they cross over…together.

Signs

I am not afraid to say that I really believe God speaks to us through signs and through other people.  The key is you have to be spiritually aware, always listening and have a keen ear and the faith to understand it’s from HIM.

There have been many signs that have told me my mom is OK.  Tons of gardenias – more than I’ve ever seen blooming when they should be pretty much done, her roses still in bloom, certain smells that I’m smelling when I shouldn’t be, sounds I hear when I shouldn’t be.  One of three Christmas Cacti having only ONE bloom on it.  One amazing bloom when they have hardly EVER bloomed.  My mom loved to see the deer in our neighborhood.  She was amazed by their beauty and she’d always get up from her chair and scurry to see them when I told her they were out.  This year I have NEVER seen so many deer in our yard and in the grave yard across from us.  The other morning before Mass there were 6 of them in the cemetary at 8 am.  This was on Thursday morning before we left for Mass – The Immaculate Conception and mass for my mom.  Then last night one with antlers was just staring at me – he was in the street just as calm as could be looking at me.  You get the picture.

On October 31 – All Hallow’s Eve, I was at the cemetary.  I was sitting there for a while – really struggling, talking to mom and just spending time with her.  October 30 was my birthday and it was a horribly tough day.  Mom’s stone had not been put in yet and there were summer flowers in the vase they gave us temporarily.  I hated the fact that the stone wasn’t there – there had been a delay and I was wondering when it would be in.  I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and create a Fall bouquet for her.  I was gone for about 45 minutes.  When I pulled into the cemetary there was a small tractor pulling away from the area where mom is.  I pulled up, got out of my car and her stone had been installed when I was away.  I was beside myself.  I cried and cried and cried.  What are the odds I’d go there, decide to leave for a while and when I returned the stone would be in?  A gift from my mom.

We had a bird for many, many years.  His name was Charlie.  Charlie talked and loved to ring his bell.  The Friday after the mass for the Immaculate Conception, I had Jackson outside at around 7 am.  I brought him back in the house and hung my coat up.  I heard Charlie’s bell as plain as day.  However, what you do not know is that we gave Charlie away a week prior.  His cage, his stuff and his bell were outside awaiting the garbage man.  There was no bell in this house to be rung.  There was no Charlie in this house to ring his bell.  My mom’s favorite movie was “Its a Wonderful Life.”  It is just like her to ring that bell for me as a sign.  She knew I’d “get it.”  Needless to say I was pretty amazed and very weepy.  An angel got her wings.  I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Then Saturday morning I was on Facebook.  I never use the chat feature.  I always keep it off but for some reason it always gets turned back on.  My Uncle Les’s daughter Alicia chatted “Call me when you get a chance, I have something to tell you about your mom.”  I called.  She began to tell me that her son (3 yrs. old) A.J. was having lunch with my Uncle Friday afternoon.  He looked at his grandpa and said “Poppa, your sister is in Heaven!”  Keep in mind, A.J. is only just 3.  He doesn’t know the relationship between my uncle and my mom.  He just out of the blue tells my uncle this.  He had my uncle crying.  Alicia decided to question A.J. about this.  So Saturday morning she asked him, “A.J. how do you know Aunt Kathy is in heaven?”  He replied, “I saw her Momma.  She just made it.”  Out of the mouths of babes.  A.J. knows nothing about our belief in Purgatory.  “She just made it?”  OMG!  And it is just like my mom to come to visit A.J.  She loved that little boy so much.  She never met him but she loved him dearly.  I think she loved him most because of the joy he gave her brother.  Who else to let know that she was in heaven?  A child that is too young to really “get it.”  A child who would not be doubted.  A child who was spiritually open and has that faith that we all should have.  Be like little children.  Jesus loves the little children!  What a blessing!  Merry Christmas everyone!

Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  The belief Catholics have that Mary our Mother, the Mother of God was conceived without Original Sin and remained sinless forever.  Would God have chosen an ordinary person stained with sin and with blemish to be the tabernacle for his Son?  Absolutely not.  So, today we celebrate Her.  Today’s 9 am mass was also offered for my amazing mother.  It was absolutely beautiful.  This picture below is an oldie but goodie.  It’s one of the most favorite pictures that I have and I treasure it.  Even though you can barely see her on the right, there’s our mom just looking down on all of us with love – content having us together and watching her 3 hearts sleep.  She loved us so much and we loved her immeasurably!  We really miss you mom!A month after mom died, I went into our local Catholic Bookstore.  I was very weepy that day and could barely speak.  The owner of the shop is a sweet woman who knew us.  I was suffering and she gave me a holy card.  She put it in the bag with the other things I purchased.  Until recently I could not bring myself to read the card.  It’s so wonderful I wanted to share it with all of you:

The Most Important Person on Earth

THE most important person on earth is a mother.  She can not claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral.  She need not.  She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral – a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body.  “The angels have not been blessed with such a grace.  They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven.  Only a human mother can.  Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creatures.  God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation…”What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this:  to be a mother?” – Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

I was invited to pray the St. Andrew Christmas Novena this year.  Wanted to invite you to do so also.   The St. Andrew prayer is a special “Christmas Novena” which is prayed every day from November 30th (today on the Feast Day of St. Andrew) until Christmas. Everyone has special intentions and petitions that need prayer and also prayers of thanks for something special that God has already answered. I can’t think of a more beautiful way to spend the Christmas season. It is ok to enjoy the spirit of the season with gifts, decorating and baking…but we must never lose sight of what this time of year is really all about.

The prayer must be said 15 times a day. You can say the prayer all at once; or divide up through the day.

Saint Andrew Christmas Novena
Hail and blessed be the hour and moment in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary, at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold. In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God! to hear my prayer and grant my desires {state your intention(s) here}, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ, and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

God Bless you, and Merry Christmas!

Definition of VOUCHSAFE

transitive verb
1 a : to grant or furnish often in a gracious or condescending manner b : to give by way of reply <refused to vouchsafe an explanation>
2 : to grant as a privilege or special favor

3 Months

Today marks the three month anniversary of my mom’s death.  I know without a doubt that she would not want me thinking these things and for the most part, I do not think of them all the time but I wanted to “get them out” and express what goes through my mind.  I think they are questions that come up naturally and part of the grieving process.

THE WHAT IFS…

What if you had stayed home that day?  You woke up late and said you were fine and just wanted to go in late.  Were you really feeling sick?

What if I had been there with you at dialysis?

What if we didn’t take the meds and ventilator off?

What if we gave you more time to come back to us?

What if the neurologist was wrong?

What if we had paid more attention to your heart and not just your lungs and kidneys?

What if the two times we had you in the Emergency Room prior to your death they would have done a complete heart work-up?

What if we would have explored a kidney transplant?  Would you have survived that?

QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT

Mom, were you in any pain?

Did you try to get someone’s attention after you asked for the oxygen?  Did they ignore you for too long?  Did they hurt you when they put you on the floor and did CPR?  You were so frail.  Did they do what they should have done while waiting for the paramedics?  Did this happen to you because of the dialysis or because of the Lyme/Scleroderma?

Did your brain really “die” that Friday?

Could you hear and see us all around you?  Did you know anything at all?  Could you smell the gardenia?

Were you scared?

When they shocked you all those times, did you feel anything?  Did you suffer?

Did you try to communicate to me with your eyes?  I could swear you did.  I felt it.  Were you telling me you loved me and that you needed me to help you?

Did you know you were going to die?  Did Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and the Angels come and take your soul to paradise like we prayed?

Did we do the right thing?  Was there a chance you might have come back to us?  Should we have taken the ventilator off but kept the medicine on you to keep you from going into cardiac arrest?

I have so many questions about that day and that weekend from hell.  I will never know the answers unless you or our Lord chooses to reveal them to me this side of heaven.  And that is what keeps me up at night. So many unanswered questions.

May Angels lead you into paradise;
may the Martyrs receive you at your coming
and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem.
May a choir of Angels receive you,
and with Lazarus, who once was poor, may you have eternal rest.

Firsts…

I feel like I have so much to say and I don’t know why I just can’t write it all out. It seems so exhausting to write and think anymore.  I have been struggling with a brain that won’t shut off and hands that can’t figure out how to type in a way that seems readable and that makes any sense.  Maybe it’s because my thoughts and feelings are so personal, painful  and sacred that I can’t bear to actually type them out or say them out loud. But I am going to try. I have so much to say about my mom and maybe I feel like people are tired of reading about her and about my grief. I can’t seem to come up with anything else worth writing about anyhow. No other topic or subject means much or seems important to me anymore. It’s all about my mom every second. Losing her, missing her, wondering what if, and remembering her. My thoughts are of her all the time.

I do not think that this is abnormal for this early in the mourning game. And with all the dreaded “firsts” coming along one right after the other, so strong and so furious, I believe it’s typical of how a daughter who has lost her mom should be feeling.  Especially a daughter who spent practically every hour of every day caring for her (most of the time) sick mom. So, I am not going to beat myself up or apologize about anything. Nor am I going to say that I’m OK. Because I am not.  I have never felt this kind of pain before.  But, also, just so you know, I am not in a serious depression – I can still work, laugh, eat and sleep.  I still cry every single day and have crazy “what if” thoughts and flashbacks.  It is what it is. I will lean into my pain and try to get the emotions and the memories out and documented. I know it will help me in the long run and maybe someone else out there can relate. I pray my experience will help another child out there who is struggling with losing their mom. I know everyone grieves differently and I think men grieve way differently than women.

“Firsts” without mom – they’ve come,  they’ve gone and we have all gotten through them:

September 29, 1 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 2, my parent’s 46th Anniversary.

October 3, my Grandpa Saxon’s anniversary of his death.

October 17, the first of many of the masses said for my mom.

October 19, Uncle Paul’s birthday.

October 29, 2 month anniversary of Mom’s death.

October 30, my 45th birthday.

November 1, My Mom’s Mom’s birthday, Aunt Jane’s birthday and All Saint’s Day.

November 2, All Soul’s Day – Dad and I were chosen to process the remembrance book of our Parish Members’ deceased family and friends into our church for Mass. My mother’s name was sung in the “Litany of the Dead” for our parish.

November 5, would have been mom’s 68th birthday. She died way too young!

November 9, Jackson’s first birthday.

November 11, Eve’s Birthday.

Next on the list…Thanksgiving, 3 months, Advent and Christmas.  Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday.  She absolutely loved the music, our decorations and shopping for gifts. She was the type who loved to be out at the malls with all the crazy people.  If she were here, I’d not complain one little bit taking her shopping!  I’d relish the time I had with her and we’d laugh and have fun…just like Lucy and Ethel!  Next time, I’ll try to write about my crazy “what if’s” and flashbacks…  Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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I miss my mother every single day.  I can not go one day without crying.  She was such a huge part of my life.  My heart physically hurts.  Mom, I so wish I could turn back time.  I wish I could see your beautiful smiling face again.  I wish I could touch you and talk to you.  I love you forever!

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My best friend is coming to see me next Wednesday!  I can’t begin to tell you how much I need this!  When her beloved mom died 5 years ago, I was ready to jump in the car and drive 10 hours to be at the funeral.  Mary asked me not to come then, but to come when it was all over.  She said she’d rather spend the time with me after the funeral, when everyone was gone and when she’d be able to remember I was even there.  I did just that.  When my mom died, Mary was ready to jump in the car and drive 10 hours to be at her funeral.  I asked her not to come and to think about what she asked me to do 5 yrs ago…come when I can spend time with her and remember she was even here.   So…Wednesday I will be blessed to have her here with me if only for a while!

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All Soul’s Day is November 2nd.  Each year our church asks a family who has lost a loved one to process the Memorial Book up at the beginning of the evening All Souls Day Mass. Our family was asked to do this.  What an incredible honor!

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I recently scanned in all of my parent’s wedding pictures and a bunch of old pictures of my mother.  Here are some of my favorites:

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I have been asked to be a “guest” blogger for the company I buy my electronic cigarettes from!  What a huge honor!  Check it out!

V4L Official Blog

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In looking for a book on the Saints for my Uncle Steve, I happened upon my Peter Kreeft book “Every Thing You Ever Wanted To Know About Heaven But Never Dreamed Of Asking.”  Guess what I’ll be reading next?

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As the leaves in Georgia continue to change and the weather gets colder I am reminded that change is constant.  Change is the only thing you can really count on.  And, in my life more change is on the horizon.  Buckle up Michelle.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

For the last 3 years I have been fighting…I have been in “the fight for mom’s life.”  Fighting has become what I do.  Its part of who I am.  It has become natural and fighting was just how we lived from day to day.  Fighting to get her better, fighting to make the doctors understand, fighting to help her, fighting to juggle everything, fighting insurance companies, fighting the Lyme Disease wars, fighting to get the antibiotics she needed, fighting to keep her with us…fighting, fighting, fighting.  I find myself feeling lost and missing that fight…It could be that I just don’t know what to do with myself now that I don’t have to fight anymore.

I continue to be bombarded by Lyme Disease.  I don’t think that is coincidental.  Am I called to the Lyme Disease fight for the rest of my life?  I don’t know exactly.  There are a lot of people suffering out there.  They have been tossed to and fro from one doctor to another without an accurate diagnosis.  They are spending tons of money on doctors and drugs that will not help them.  They are being treated for diseases that really stem from Lyme disease and it’s co-infections.   The treatment should target the Lyme first.  Education is lacking, doctors can’t do their jobs because of the bureaucracy and lack of knowledge, people are being told they’re crazy and that they aren’t really sick.  It’s just not right.  My mom was treated that way by many of her “trusted” doctors until we finally figured out ON OUR OWN (my research) what was wrong with her and found a few amazing doctors to help us.  But by that time I fear it was too late.  I know that if years ago my mom was tested for Lyme and came up positive, she would have had more of a fighting chance.  Lyme is at epidemic proportions – that sounds alarming and like I’m nutty, but it is true.  Google Lyme Wars,  Watch the movie “Under Our Skin”, Read the book “Cure Unknown” and you’ll see what I mean.

I still feel like I need to be an advocate for something or someone.  The knowledge I’ve gained can’t go to waste.  I know too much.  The key is that my energy has to be used in some way to honor my mom.  From my perspective eyes need to be opened, information needs to be given, minds need to be changed, and most of all, Lyme Disease needs to be taken seriously.  It is not a joke, it exists, it is hard to eradicate without aggressive treatment if not treated immediately after exposure.  Pray for me as I figure out where and who I need to give my “fight” to.

This is a letter I sent to my family when we finally figured out she had Lyme.  Hopefully it will serve someone out there. It’s long!

Dear Family,

I just wanted to email everyone and give you some information about Lyme disease. It’s hard to put it all into words when we talk over the phone. It is a very convoluted disease and I want everyone to understand what mom’s been dealing with for all these years…untreated. The problems she’s had including the Scleroderma have manifested due to untreated Chronic Lyme. Now she’s under the treatment of a good Lyme literate Md. We are so happy we finally figured this out! I also know that some are skeptical about this diagnosis and treatment. But, we are secure in this treatment and at this point, what does she have to lose?? Do some research on your own also. Let me know if you have any questions! Love you all!

http://sonyafightslyme.blogspot.com/201 … -talk.html

Saw this link and wanted to share it. Notice under “stages of Lyme”…
Chronic Lyme – III
-for one or more years – immune system breakdown and its consequences
-co-infections become important
-serologic tests less reliable (blood)
-treatment must be more aggressive and of longer duration
The sicker you are, the less reliable the tests; Lyme burrows deeper and is no longer easily detected in blood

http://www.truthaboutlymedisease.com/about.html

Good Video re: Lyme: You Tube has a lot of good videos on Lyme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNtpty2WCo0

This is also good information regarding Lyme:

What is Lyme disease?
Lyme disease is caused by the spiral-shaped bacterium (or spirochete) Borrelia burgdorferi. It is the number one vector-borne illness in the U.S. Humans are infected with Lyme primarily through the bite of a blacklegged tick carrying the disease. Some of the many possible symptoms are fatigue, muscle weakness, joint pain and inability to concentrate (brain fog). Some patients will see the erythema migrans (or E.M.) skin rash that sometimes, but not always, looks like a bulls-eye. If the E.M. rash is present, it is a strong indicator of Lyme. But absence of the rash does not preclude Lyme, as many patients never see a rash at all. Lyme can affect every system in the body, due to the spirochetes’ ability to burrow deeply into tissue of the joints, heart, and nervous system.

According to the CDC, Lyme is diagnosed through a clinical diagnosis, meaning a thorough examination of the overall picture of how the patient presents—results of testing, symptoms, and possibility of exposure to infected ticks. Therefore a negative test result does not necessarily rule out Lyme. Because of the changeable nature of Borrelia, there are inherent problems with testing for presence of the spirochete, and results sometimes can show up as a false negative.
If caught soon, Lyme is usually easily treated with a few weeks of antibiotics. Unfortunately, many cases are not caught soon enough. Given time the spirochetes burrow deep into body tissue and become difficult to kill through antibiotics. Longer regimens of treatment will then be required.

What are the Lyme wars about?
The so-called “Lyme wars” are being fought over these critical issues: (1) testing for the disease, (2) diagnosis, (3) treatment, and (3) education for doctors in general about Lyme.

The Lyme wars go back a number of decades. It’s a complex war with complex arguments, but simplified it comes down to these two sides: Lyme-literate doctors—working in the trenches with very sick patients— who believe long-term antibiotic treatment for Lyme is often necessary, vs. doctors aligned with such powerful entities as the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) who insist that two to four weeks of antibiotics kills all Borrelia in the body, therefore eradicating the disease. The problem is, many patients remain sick after such treatment. This latter group of doctors contend that such patients, regardless of their continuing symptoms, no longer have Lyme. Instead they suffer from a post-Lyme treatment syndrome—some form of autoimmune disease as yet unknown and undefined. This “syndrome” should only be treated symptomatically, and not with antibiotics.

Unfortunately, Lyme patients caught in these medical wars often suffer from an ironic and heart-wrenching “double whammy.” Early detection of the disease—through proper testing and diagnosis—makes for much easier treatment—typically the two to four weeks of antibiotics recommended by the CDC. But many patients fail to be diagnosed early due to unreliable testing and doctors’ lack of understanding about the disease. These patients often go from doctor to doctor for months, even years, before they’re finally diagnosed with Lyme. But by then they’ll likely require antibiotic treatment for a much longer time than the CDC recommends. And many doctors will deny them that treatment.

Why is the standardized testing for Lyme not always reliable?
First, no test for Lyme is 100% reliable. Borrelia are a very wily foe. They can change their outer protein coat, making them invisible to the body’s immune system, and therefore invisible to tests (since tests look for antibodies to the spirochete).
The CDC criteria for administering and interpreting tests have been controversial since they were approved in 1994. First the CDC insists on a two-tier form of testing, starting with the ELISA test, then proceeding to the western blot only when the ELISA is positive. Unfortunately all too often a negative ELISA is a false negative because of the test’s poor sensitivity. (Although the CDC insists the test is sensitive.) So many patients are lost in this first stage.

Those who do test positive move on to the western blot, which looks for antibodies to Borrelia burgdorferi in the blood that reveal themselves in the form of stripes or “bands.” Each band refers to a certain type of antibody and is indicated on the test results by a given number. Even when the test for Lyme was first developed many doctors protested the inclusion and exclusion of certain bands. One of the biggest arguments was over band 31—an antibody to a protein on Borrelia’s outer surface called OspA that is exclusive to Lyme. Yet this band was not included as a positive indicator on the test, while other bands that were less important were included. In order to test positive for Lyme, a patient must see a certain number of the included bands indicate positive. Many patients fall short of that required number of positive bands, often due to the fact that Lyme-specific bands that should have been included as significant were not. Overall, as a result of these controversial criteria, patients can see “negative” false results as much as thirty to forty percent of the time.

To counteract the CDC’s ineffective criteria for testing, labs such as IGeneX (this is the lab we used) in Palo Alto, California and others have designed their own criteria that include the Lyme-specific bands that the CDC’s criteria do not. (IGeneX tests also search for more than one strain of Borrelia, while the most common test kit in other labs looks for only one strain—B31, the original strain found on Long Island.) Lyme-literate doctors often send blood to these types of labs. Meanwhile the CDC and medical community at large do not recognize results from such labs as legitimate.

What are the possible symptoms of Lyme?
The possible symptoms list is long. Since Lyme can attack any system in the body, each patient may present very differently. Here are some of the possible symptoms:
Persistent swollen glands
Sore throat
Fevers
Sore soles or “burning” feet
Joint pain or swelling
Back pain
Joint stiffness
Muscle pain or weakness
Muscle twitching
Mental confusion
Difficulty with concentration or memory
Difficulty with speaking or reading
Mood swings
irritability, depression, or panic attacks
Tremors or seizures
Headache
Light or sound sensitivity
Blurred vision
Ear hum or loss of hearing Vertigo or poor balance
Lightheadedness
Dire need to sit or lie down
Tingling, numbness, or burning
Facial paralysis-Bell’s Palsy
Dental pain
Neck pain
Extreme fatigue
Trouble sleeping
Excessive need to sleep
Unexplained change in weight
Bladder dysfunction
Stomach problems
Heart palpitations
Sore chest wall
Breathlessness
Night sweats
Symptom flares every four weeks

For a complete list of possible symptoms, see this in depth medical abstract by Dr. Joseph Burrascano. The list begins on page 9.

In what states does Lyme disease occur?
According to the CDC Lyme has been verified in all fifty states. Some states have a much higher number of cases than others. These include Connecticut, Delaware, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. California also has a significant number of cases.
However, these numbers are low. There’s no doubt that many cases of Lyme go unconfirmed. This is due to such issues as undiagnosed patients; doctors’ failure to report cases; and the stringent, narrowly-focused requirements the CDC insists upon in order to deem a patient sick with Lyme.

Why do Lyme patients need a Lyme literate doctor, and how do they find one?
Sadly, doctors across the country have been misinformed about Lyme. Old myths still circulate. Some of these are: (1) A patient has to have the E.M. rash to have Lyme, (2) A patient must show a positive test result, (3) A patient must live in a state known to have higher cases of Lyme. Regarding point #3, there have been cases of patients with obvious Lyme symptoms and even positive test results who were told they couldn’t have Lyme because it “doesn’t exist in this state.” Other times doctors refuse to test for Lyme at all, citing the “fact” that it doesn’t occur in the area.

The lack of understanding about Lyme leads to that “double whammy” discussed above. First, Lyme patients are often denied a diagnosis because of ineffective testing and poorly educated doctors. Then, when they get worse as a result, they’re denied the treatment needed to halt the disease.

Often patients don’t just go undiagnosed—they are misdiagnosed with such illnesses as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Crohn’s, Scleroderma, Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson’s, Rheumatoid Arthritis, even Lou Gehrig’s disease. Either that or the patient’s symptoms are just “all in their head.” (Which some doctors have been known to claim.) The problem with misdiagnosis isn’t just the lack of right treatment, but the introduction of wrong treatment. For example, CFS patients are often given steroids to combat their swollen, painful joints. But steroids suppress the immune system and therefore are never given when a doctor knows a patient has an active infection of any kind. Bacteria are left to thrive in an immune-suppressed body. The Lyme patient invariably gets worse.

Lyme literate doctors—those who have really studied the disease and work with very sick patients on a daily basis—are all too few in number, but they can be found across the country. These doctors use more reliable testing and will treat with long term antibiotics, if they deem that is required. If you think you have Lyme, finding a Lyme literate doctor is critical.

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